Joe James Ramsey Benyon

****MAY I TAKE THIS CHANCE TO THANK YOU FOR LIGHTING CANDLES FOR MY BROTHER JOE*****
sorry I haven't been on much this week. Have been finding everythign very painful. much love xxxx

**♥**As you can see, I have changed Joe's name. He changed his surname by deed poll a few years ago, but he reverted back to Benyon when it mattered. His suicide card was signed Joe benyon which was very significant. I believe he wanted to be Benyon as he died, so am honouring this!**♥**


Joe, you are my big brother, my only sibling, and that will never change...nothing can ease the pain I feel at losing you and bring you back, or change the way I feel...I feel so much guilt, so much regret, and a barrage of what ifs and if onlys hit my already tortured mind. We grew up with only a year between us, and I like to think stayed close. I know your mental conditions sometimes made it difficult to open up or get close to people, but we had our good times didn't we? so many good times. On 12 december 2008 you took me to Sheffield to see slipknot. your fave! you paid for the ticket, we had dinner out beforehand...it was so lovely, as in the weeks beforehand you had been so doped up on meds it was sometimes difficult to communicate. Then suddenly, after weeks of not leaving the house, you found the inner strength to go out that night. I now know why. It was to give me a lasting happy memory wasn't it? you filmed the whole thing to make sure i had it all on tape. And on the 15th December, you took your own life.

The letter you left tried to show us why. And after years of watching you struggle, and that candle of hope start to fade in your eyes, we knew why. "no more hurt no more pain". But that didn't make it any easier. Why that night? why didn't I come round that weekend after the concert? why didn't i do more after you told me you wouldn't be around for xmas, instead i brushed over it? Did it hurt? Did you regret it halfway? Did you know how much we loved you, how much you meant. Maybe we should have shown it more, but we tried...I would come up to your room and give you a hug even when you were out of it on meds, invite you round to mine, remember that night when we watched the remake of halloween which was awful, then ate pizza and played the wii? why didn't you ever come again after that one night, I kept asking you. remember download? that is when you were at your happiest i think, and we got three days together, even shared a tent!

Why did you think the world hated you? why did you think you weren't good enough? Why did you think you wree freeing us from the burden of your illness. But mostly, I know...you were sick and tired of your illness and your troubles.

I love you Joe, my brother, and always will, I will never let you be forgotten and my heart breaks for the loss of you.

Below is part of the eulogy dad wrote on your order of service. I hope you were listening to the tribute I gave? 6 minutes talking about my wonderful memories of you, the whole time standing infront of your coffin. How did I manage that? You gave me strength and you will continue to do so.

We have many happy memories of Joe – visits to Hallaton to see cousins Luc and Holly, trips to grandparents in Southampton and Weston, walks in the countryside, the New Forest and Swithland Woods.
We remember holidays in Cornwall, Snowdonia and Dorset, and in Italy, Corfu and other Greek islands, often with the Llewellyn family. We have lovely memories of Joe on our visits to Australia and America, and to Coleen’s brother’s family in Vancouver.
Joe was a highly sensitive person and worried a lot and he tried to overcome his inhibitions. A strong family memory is of Joe, aged 6, singing ‘Once in Royal David’s City’ on his own in front of Avenue School. Later, as a teenager he fearlessly skied down the daunting black run in Andorra. We also remember the enjoyment he got over several years playing for the famous Clarendon Park Rangers FC.
His anxiety and related depression seemed to get worse as Joe grew older. He battled to overcome these handicaps, although it proved very difficult to get any effective help. He found solace and support in his growing Christian faith and was baptised in 2008. However, his illness kept pulling him down. In his own words, Joe longed for ‘no more hurt, no more pain’.
We have been moved and comforted by all the messages about Joe. He has been described as a lovable and loving young man – witty and warm, smart and kind, sensitive, caring and vulnerable, funny, intelligent and generous. Some have written of his courage, others of how he helped them.
One friend described Joe as having a ‘heart of gold’, another said he was ‘one in a million’. Another wrote: ‘Joe was like the sun above dark clouds, but often hidden. Then there’d be a glimpse of that sun and it made you smile and feel warm’.
We will remember Joe as a young man who touched many other people in all sorts of positive ways. He has gone much too soon, but we will treasure our happy memories of him throughout our lives.
Joe – after your long struggle you are now at peace in a better place and you will live on in our hearts and memories.

Joe had been let down by the mental health system over and over again for years. we couldn't get him the help he desperately needed. and to cope with his social anxiety disorders, he self medicated to a point of zombie-ness. Eventually, life got too much to bear and he ordered his pills from egypt and at some point in the early hours of the 15 december 2008 he took them. We do not know what happened next, how long it took, whether he was in pain...mum found him the next afternoon. I will never for my whole life long forget receiving that phone call from her at 3pm on the Monday...the moment my life changed forever.

my poem for you:

My brother I have such memories of our shared years
The time we spent together means so much to me
And when I think of you and shed those tears
I try to think of you happy now, and finally free

You spent many a time in trouble and many a time in pain
Spent much time on your own in your room
I know how much you loved us, your letter tells us time and time again
But your love for us, and ours for you, could not free you from your doom

We must realise how difficult your life was, no peace or solitude
How tortured your young mind, how hard your life
When you were angry, mad and sometimes rude
That was your anxious mind twisting the knife.

Joe, you are happy now, no more hurt and no more pain
And the time has come for us to stop blaming ourselves
I look inside myself for evidence that you are near
And the knowledge that you guide me from above stems my fear

When you left I felt grief, then an aching emptiness
As I tried to get my head around never seeing you again
I didn’t know how I would go on, I must confess
Now I finally understood your hurting and your pain

The years stretch on before me, so bleak and dark and long,
I pray you walk beside me, brother, and help to keep me strong.
If I had known the last time I saw you would be then
I would have held you close and never let you go again

Would have told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me
Would have sat you down and tried to make you see
But now I have to settle for telling you now instead
How thoughts of you will never leave my head

You were my brother for 26 years, 2 months and 20 days
But more importantly you will continue to be my brother
As I get older, so will you, and you will live on in my heart for the rest of my days
I love you Joe, forever more, a love like no other.

Until my time on this earth ends and we are reunited together once more
I shall look for you in the wind, the stars, the setting of the sun
I smile as I think of you behind heaven’s door
Watching over me brother as you have always done.



The songs playing are

- Hurt by Johnny Cash, chosen by Joe for his funeral as it reflects the feelings he felt for so long
- Danny Boy, which was played as the coffin was carried in
- Abide With Me, the hym Joe chose.
- It Gets Better, by Jo Dee Messina (also chosen by Joe for funeral)
- Sleep Well My brother, by Saga (also chosen by Joe)

Joe was:
Son to John Benyon and Coleen Ramsey
Brother to me (Danielle)
Brother in law to Mike
Nephew, cousin, grandson, friend. xxxxxx